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It ain’t right.

A child’s hair should be presentable and shiny and neat. Not a dull lifeless lint-filled mess.

I am resolved to style my child’s hair in a way that makes sense.

What are my issues?

1. Her hair is very kinky and coarse. She cries when I comb it.

2. I don’t know which products will help with #1.

3. Once detangled, I don’t know what to do with her hair. I am not a braider. And using ball-y things to make a bunch of ponytails is time-consuming, cumbersome and can’t possibly be comfortable.

I need a hairstyle for Tog that lasts an entire week. And doesn’t leave us both sobbing in the process.

I went to Whole Foods Sunday night in search of something called Kinky Curly, a line of hair care products I’ve heard are really good on kinky hair.

I decided to see if the Kinky Curly products could release Tog’s natural curl pattern and perhaps she could just wear her hair out and about. Why be bogged down with ponytail holders and barrettes? I’d let Tog go free! Like Jaden Smith!

Sunday night, I go to Whole Foods, where Kinky Curly products are sold. Shampoo: 11.99. (Gulp!) Detangler: 11.99 (Whoa.) And then, the Curling Custard for styling: 29.99 (What the hell!)

For $54.00 I expected those bottles to sprout arms and style Tog’s hair while giving me a mani-pedi at the same time.

I plopped Tog into the tub and got to work. First, I undid last week’s attempt at a hairstyle and got down to the essence of her nappy roots:

I wet her hair and worked in the Kinky Curly Come Clean shampoo.

The label says it’s especially good for getting residue out of curly hair. And they were right! I scrubbed Tog’s hair and I could swear I heard it squeaking.

Note: a drop got in her eyes and she screamed bloody murder. It doesn’t say No More Tears for a reason.

I rinsed Tog’s hair and reached for the Knot Today detangler.

Within 30 seconds of applying it to Tog’s hair, I knew I had something very special on my hands. It seemed to literally dissolve her kinks while keeping her natural curl pattern intact. I ran a wide tooth comb through her hair and this is what she said:

She was singing y’all. While I was combing out her hair!

I wanted to find Shelley Davis, the woman who founded the company, and kiss her full on the lips. After a few quick comb-throughs, Tog’s hair was soft and tangle-free!

I sat Tog in between my legs with the Kinky Curly custard.

I worked the product into Tog’s hair and it began to solidify her curls. It was a little…sticky. But I figured once I hit her up with the blow dryer, it would all come together nicely.

I blew Tog’s hair dry. Or as dry as it would get covered in the…custard.

Things began to get ungood. Fast.

First, my hand was stuck to the blow dryer. Then, random lint in the air began making a beeline for Tog’s hair. The dog walked by and immediately, strands of his fur flew off his back and attached itself to Tog’s hair.

Who knew “custard” was just another word for “hard core hair gel.”

I brought Tog downstairs, hoping her hair would air dry.

TH took one look and raised both eyebrows:

“I hope you’re going to give her some ponytails,” he said.

“No,” I said. “She’s going to wear her hair out and natural. When it dries it will be fine.”

“It just looks very…wet,” he said.

I ignored him and sat TG down for dinner.

An hour later, her hair was still dripping wet, sticky and awful.

The damage was done. Tog’s soul was officially glowing. And by the time I realized the catastrophe Kinky Curly custard had caused, it was too late to start over. I tried a last ditch effort to save it by twisting up Tog’s hair before she went to sleep.

Maybe in the morning, it would look like something?

No, it didn’t. It was a goopy, linty mess.

The next morning, I wanted to rinse it out and start from scratch. But I didn’t have time. So Tog went to school looking worse than usual:

I tried to use a headband to distract the general public from her pitiful ponytails. And that would be the morning i couldn’t even find two matching ball-y thingies.

I took Tog to school, hanging my head in shame.

Yesterday, I picked her up early, determined to get it right. Everything had been going so well.

Until I got to the custard.

It was the custard that had defeated my plans to style Tog’s hair properly.

I wouldn’t let it happen again.

Last night, I reapplied the Come Clean shampoo. All residue gone! I detangled with the Knot Today: no knots today!

And then, I sat Tog down and actually looked at Tog’s hair carefully. I examined her hair and tried to determine what would make sense.

She was not going to do a Jaden-syle ‘fro. I’m not sure what that involves. But it would take more than air-drying naturally. Braids would get fuzzy too quickly. I decided to go for two-strand twists, the same kind I did on TG years and years ago.

I parted one section, applied a tiny DOT of the custard and twisted her hair together.

Then, I did another, another and another.

Tog never opened her mouth. She was on my lap, watching Dora The Explorer without making a sound. (Okay, she was also eating a double chocolate chunk cookie. But not even a cookie would have worked in the pre-Kinky Curly days!)

45 minutes later. And I finally felt like a real mother:

Nothing fancy. But Tog’s hair was neat, manageable and smelled good. But after a night of tossing and turning, would she still be presentable? That would be the true test.

Here’s Tog this morning.

I swear she was better behaved today too.

I hereby declare that Kinky Curly products, (in moderation!), are awesome.

Yay.